First Update… my legal advocate was able to get my financial assistance denial reversed. The whole ordeal pretty much paralyzed me for 2 & 1/2 mths though 😦
Sure, take someone with agoraphobia and say “Yup out you go on your own. Bye.Bye.”
THAT WILL HELP ! NOT
Just the thought of having to leave the house to go to the legal advocate had me vomiting and getting panic attacks in my (little) sleep…. never mind leaving every day to a job.
I hid out, hibernated, ate and totally fucked up the weigh loss from the last year.
Thankfully I was able to drag my ass out of hibernation a bit to work with dogs( who really are what keeps me going at times). I would seriously be slipping into an epic dark zone of hell right now if not for that little glimpse of sunshine.
My old timer neighbor ( who is the only person I speak much to) had a heart attack on Feb 13th. As he has done in the past he called me instead of 911 <ack> Fortunately he lived and had a triple bypass surgery recently. He should be back home soon 🙂 I took him a bunch of art supplies to keep him busy ( he was once a commercial artist and pretty good!) while he was at the local hospital. They took him to a big hospital for the surgery, too far for me to visit so he has been alone aside from one visit from his junkie brother.
The legal advocate had me request a permanent disability request package and is going to try and get that going for me. I have an appointment with her March 10.
So anyway, I am reading your posts from time to time…. Just have not been up to making posts and in a bad head space right now.
Spring where are you?
Bemused By Beleaguering 
I’m in a really bad head space right now. Thoughts are running wildfire through me. I can string them together fluently but it is so tiring. My body feels heavy and as though there is something rumbling under my skin that does not yet have a way to properly define. The thoughts are not bad or bad feeling but just extremely intense. I feel as though the weight of the world is being put squarely on my shoulders. Yet somehow I feel more balanced now than when I started feeling “off”. However this off feeling is very unsettling because it is extremely uncomfortable. I feel as though I am standing alone in a crowded room screaming for someone to see me and help give me a spare hand with the “cleanup” but every time I look someone in the eye all I can think to do is smile. I feel like garbage but I hope that my smile can at least lighten their day.
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Maybe we both need to worry more about making US smile than making others smile?
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