Seeing diagnosis in writing

I finally got the call to go pick up the shrinks sections of my disability forms. His wife/partner was quite proud of how detailed he was in filling out the forms ( THANK GAWD). Hopefully in addition to my novel we will not be denied and start again 😦

I was a little set aback on the medical terms and seeing my diagnosis after all this time there on these forms that will for the rest of all time be either my survival or downfall. Any gov or medical staffer will have access to this info 😦  That scares me given the stigmas attached.

DSM5 Panic Disorder 300.01 progressive since 2010
DSM5 Agoraphobia 300.22 progressive since 2010
DSM5 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ( Chronic) since 2010
DSM5 Other specific bipolar disorder 296.89 which he notes I likely had all my life but was severely triggered in 2010

And there is the label. FUCK.

I have been given the disability paperwork several times. I have been steered to it by advocates and doctors. I never followed up with it at all. My shrink says this is the part that I am avoiding. The THIS IS IT part that I will have to live with.

I’m going to complete it this time even though it has taken 6+ mths already. I have just a wee bit of work left to put into it and that will be that. I HAVE TO. I am not getting better and need more supports if I am ever to get better.

Oh and before I go just a quick Buspirone update! RIGHT after my last post saying all was well I got a mother-effer of a migraine which eased over a few days. Next dose increase it happened again but also eased off so looks like increases will give me a migraine temp which is OK as long as I know it will go away 🙂

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I hate Fathers Day


It’s still, even after 6 years, a hard one for me. When you have zero support or contact from your family pretty much all holidays sting. My grandfather and his siblings never spoke for most of their lives. My father and his siblings did the same off/on and they spread all that bullshit over their children too. Ego comes before humility PERIOD.

In my immediate family ( on the one side)  the 4 children born to my grandparents all have 2-4 children of their own. In that small circle at least one adult child is an outcast / estranged from their parents and siblings. None of those estranged are bad people. They all simply refused to be betrayed or disrespected and stood up for their boundaries.

I hate that this shit takes up space in my brain still  😦

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So far so good

I don’t seem to be having any totally annoying side effects to the Buspirone 🙂  Definitely not sedated or dizzy. However, I have spilled several things in last few days and fumbled or dropped items.

Will see how things progress as the dose goes up I guess. Today I was trying to install a new patio door alarm and I was really agitated still and lots of choice f-word-combos lol!  Our building was recently broken into (NOT THEY WALKED IN) but anyway… they busted open our coin-op laundry machines. The RULE here was doors are locked up 10pm-7am but this happened in the middle of the day. I am surprised it never happened before because there is a twat here who does not give a fuck about anyone but himself. He works nights and always leave the door open.

New rules are 1) Doors should all be locked from noon-whenever the mail lady is gone
2) If doors are opened to let air flow through the person opening must monitor it closely.

Fine by me the more security the better. The whole event left me disturbed and therefore I amped up security inside my place 🙂

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Buspirone Day 1


My anxiety the last 8+ mths has been the worst ever 😦 Shrink gave me Abilify to start way back in Fall because it has been beneficial to me in the past but the problem for me is that even though it has been one of the only drugs that I have not been resistant to it is not covered in my plan. That means I have to get samples from my doc because I can not afford it. I HATE THAT! Worrying over that part causes more anxiety so no thanks!

I was prescribed the Buspirone nearly 2 mths ago but was stressing about being too mentally zapped to get my disability paperwork done . Last post I talked about that and ended up my doc was happy with what I completed even though he never agreed with my version lol. The paperwork is still with him so incomplete as of yet!

So this is Day 1…. I hope it works at least somewhat for me!

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Welcome Spring :)

Feeling a tad better than my last post couple mths back. I am currently working on my disability paperwork ( fuck this is a wad of info boooooo) and what you say can and will be held against you on the app approval and in the future. For someone like me that also has big time memory issues filling out minor paperwork is exhausting. It is a constant worry doing / redoing / anxiety over the top.

I have had the paperwork since Jan and have come up with every possible avoidance. I now have about a week to complete it OMGAWD 😦  Knowing this paperwork will help me in ways that would be so beneficial forevermore OR go completely sideways wrecking my life is not helping.

I 1st had an appt with the legal advocate and she helped me and directed me to my doctor to complete the rest. My shrink and the advocate had encouraged me to do so.  I go to my shrink with it like I was advised and he poo-poo’d it sending me off to do more mind-work  for filling it out which IS MY PROBLEM IN THE 1ST PLACE.  I can’t even fill out a simple form without having it checked over and they want me to fill out this like 30 page detailed mess? FML.

Once done I have to go back to the shrink for his part and hope he is satisfied with whatever I get done….then back to the legal advocate. I’m in a flap just writing about it 😦

^^^^^^ Other than that crap I am not doing so bad. My shrink sent me away last time with some anxiety med. I have anxiety about taking the anxiety med and being too waffled to fill out my paperwork so I have not started it yet LMFREAKING Bum off. So absolutely ridiculous but at least I know it. I know it does not make sense but I am ok with that.

The lovely weather has gotten me outside more doing my gardening and I started some other artwork that has been used to avoid the paperwork lol

Hope ya’ll are doing ok too!!!! 🙂

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Doing a whole lot of nutin

First Update… my legal advocate was able to get my financial assistance denial reversed.  The whole ordeal pretty much paralyzed me for 2 & 1/2 mths though 😦

Sure, take someone with agoraphobia and say “Yup out you go on your own. Bye.Bye.”

Just the thought of having to leave the house to go to the legal advocate had me vomiting and getting panic attacks in my (little) sleep…. never mind leaving every day to a job.

I hid out, hibernated, ate and totally fucked up the weigh loss from the last year.

Thankfully I was able to drag my ass out of hibernation a bit to work with dogs( who really are what keeps me going at times). I would seriously be slipping into an epic dark zone of hell right now if not for that little glimpse of sunshine.

My old timer neighbor ( who is the only person I speak much to) had a heart attack on Feb 13th. As he has done in the past he called me instead of 911 <ack>  Fortunately he lived and had a triple bypass surgery recently. He should be back home soon 🙂 I took him a bunch of art supplies to keep him busy ( he was once a commercial artist and pretty good!) while he was at the local hospital.  They took him to a big hospital for the surgery, too far for me to visit so he has been alone aside from one visit from his junkie brother.

The legal advocate had me request a permanent disability request package and is going to try and get that going for me. I have an appointment with her March 10.

So anyway, I am reading your posts from time to time…. Just have not been up to making posts and in a bad head space right now.

Spring where are you? 

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Solo Holidays Suck

My boarding buddy! Loveliest oldie to keep me company over the holidays. Isn’t she gorgeous? It snowed here on the 22nd and has stayed which really is unheard of. White Christmas! On the 23rd I got a call back from the advocates office who will help me with my PPMB paperwork on Jan 6th. Doctor appt Jan 8th and paperwork back in on the 13th ( 12th to be safe!)  I hate stress it shuts my normally-half functioning brain right off.

Dec 24th the entire building emptied and I was all alone here with the dog for a couple days. Mine was the only vehicle in the parking lot 😦 Watching people head off to their holiday parties and families is such a huge kick in the stomach. I miss those days but I refuse to settle for having people around who don’t care about my safety or feelings. Perhaps some day humility will overcome their egos but I will not hold my breath on that.

Thankfully I busied myself with baking ( busy but this is not a good thing for me to do weight wise) and on Christmas day as is my tradition to drink Baileys and coffee from the time I get up. I started that MANY years ago and it really is the only tradition I still do. I think it just eases my pain. A sweet surprise was one of my dog people had dropped me off a gift and my old-timer neighbor had dropped off a gift also so for the 1st time in many years I had a couple gifts to open Christmas morning.  One was a tea gift set and the other a neat bird house for out back. Very thoughtful of them!

Food, booze, gifts, a canine companion and the Lord of the Rings Triology pretty much sums up how I spent my time. On Christmas day I made a Ham dinner just for myself and shared with the dog 🙂  Quite late my elderly neighbor was dropped back off at home by his brother and popped over for a while. He was really wasted ( this is always a worry for me because he has a heart issue and has been in/out of hospital) . I let him in for a short while and made like I was calling it an early evening so I could get him back home before he was unable to walk…ugh. I adore him as he is really the only person who I have much contact with but the drinking is over the top for me. He has no “moderation” gene. He has drink until you fall down and that is it. SAD.

My boarding buddy goes home tomorrow and then I will be all alone here totally. My renter is gone home to his family and will not be back until the 2nd.  No plans of course for New Years unless one can call sulking alone a plan errr. Last year I spent it with my neighbor and my friend who lived upstairs but passed away in May 😦  Watching my unhealthy neighbor drink until he falls down all by myself doesn’t sound like much fun to me.

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I hate winter :(

Far too much crap going on with me I don’t even know where to start.  I have been able to struggle through without meds even though we made a back-up plan for me to start Abilify again any time I want. This really should have been a winter of improvement for me since I have been doing OK. Some shit always happens to trip up any upward improvement ACK!

About a mth ago I get notification that I am up for a review of my PPMB status ( this is one level of assistance under disability) . Now given I really have not improved in any meaningful way I was slightly stressed about this because I had to have my Shrink fill out the medical forms for the 1st time. For the last 5 years my GP has done it. Once the papers were done and gone my anxiety lightened some and I was not too concerned about hearing back. I was mostly concerned about process and instructions and what my shrink may write on there. After all…. I can not live without that assistance and medical.  Most certainly I am unable to support myself now and have been on assistance last 5 years.  I have a REALLY hard time with forms.

I got part way through this mth relatively stable when I was given no notice by the people whose dog lives with me part time that they were laid off so that little bit I was allowed to earn in addition to my assistance is gone for now.  On the 14th I got a letter ~I HATE LETTERS OR ANYTHING THAT LOOKS GOV OFFICIAL~ it was the reply back about my assistance.  They cut me off stating that since my Shrink never listed any “Restrictions”  ( he missed the entire section) that I must magically now be fully employable. GAWD.  Contained was a pamphlet on how to get a “reconsideration”  and blah blah blah.

I call right away on Dec 14 to get this straightened out.  ( 1 hour and 45 min I am on the phone before I am connected to a person) Quite obviously a call to my Shrink for his info in the “restrictions” section can get this figured no? …NO they state that I am responsible for getting the info TO THEM and not the other way around. NO he can not call them either. The only way is for me to request a reconsideration PACKAGE and resubmit the info complete with battling for my rights with proof and blah blah blah. I also have 20 days. Merry fucking Christmas. 😦 I’m a fucking weakling in this department. I shut off. Sigh.  I request the “package” which I am supposed to be called about to pick up. I have no call-in line during the day hours so we arrange for me to call back in a couple days for instructions for pick up. OK. FML how am I going to go in THERE to pick up. Bloody hell.

My brain is a zillion ways and I spent the rest of the day / all night and part of the next in bed.  I developed an involuntary muscle twitch in my arm ( TOTALLY NEW) never happened before from stress.  Late on the 15th I realized a GOV phn # had called my pay/talk phone a couple times which had to be the assistance people. I called them again to a 1+hrs wait and was told they MAILED the package. I was livid since we had already made arrangements…. it was over 2 weeks date on their letter to time I got it ( should be 2 days mail) I only have 20 days to file and they send it at the time of year for it to be WAY LATE.  I really never wanted to go in the office but the anxiety of waiting and trying to arrange Doctors / proof and all the rest is over the top for me.

I spent Wed hiding in bed with anxiety working up knowing I had to go out and do some things on Thursday. Thursday I never ate in morning knowing I would be sick before leaving home which I was. I was able to get it together and out of the house. While I was out though I had the worst stress diarrhea ever at the grocery store (AND HAD TO USE A PUBLIC WASHROOM AHHHH FUCK)  and ended up having to just come straight back home. 😦

Where is my magic vanishing wand? I did manage to find the contact #’s for an advocates office in town ( which I have done and was too weak to contact at least 2o x in last couple years) MAYBE this week I can be brave and call them to help me.

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Heading into the darkness

Long time no blog! I have had a fairly busy couple mths with our local dog shows and boarding dogs while people have been away on vacations. Nice thing about dogs is that they do not care if you brush your hair or get dressed 🙂

I have a shrink apt this week so I guess we will be making some new plan for me. I have been without meds after the hair losing craziness.  My hair is doing ok after mths of special treatment and a lot of supplements. I can feel as the days get shorter the darkness surrounding me and going to suck me into a black hole for the winter. I have a new dog here that is staying 16 days on, 14 days with his owners ( yes living with me more than them!) and he likes to walk so hopefully that can get me out of the house a bit each day.

I made an effort to get out to my dog clubs trainers meeting. My thinking was helping with some classes would get me out of the house at least one day a week through the winter.  Like a lot of clubs such a back-scratching bullshit buddy system and all classes are covered. ( ALWAYS complaints from some members about taking on all the work but offer to help and they turn you away!) WTF.  In our club trainers get “training credits” which is kind of like getting paid but you have to use it for additional training.  I would help WITHOUT any payment but the jobs are given to the club prez buddies. Such crap.

Anyway… I am alive and ok ( would not say well lol!) Just getting by day by day as best I can 🙂

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Meh. Happy Canada Day.

I got home earlier this week and was really glad to be back in my own space. Installed my a/c for the summer, got my deck/yard spruced up. British Columbia is nearly ready to burn up by spontaneous combustion. We have had a record-dry spring and super high record heat. The a/c HAD TO be installed ! I busied myself for days but now I am BORED out of my freaking mind and off all meds.  That is NOT a good combo.

I’ve always been an introvert. I have always LOVED my alone time. I have never needed more people contact than say what I got through work or an occasional event.  Sometimes people even annoy me when I know they are just trying to be nice. Right now for some reason I am incredibly lonely much of the time. Holidays I guess have bothered me in the past so maybe that is my issue this week 😦

Over this past 6 mths I have lost my support network. My friend upstairs died and 2 of my gal-pals that I actually did stuff with sometimes got new boyfriends and pretty much disappeared.  I also realized that a couple others are friends only when they are getting something out of it ( eg: I have something to gift them so they come get it or they want me to look after their pet ) I’m not really down with that sort of 1-way deal so I am not going there. I have a couple newer male friends. 1 way younger than me and the other older. I spend most of my time fighting off their sexual advances and explaining to them I am not interested in more than their friendship ( why does that in man mind = a challenge? lol)

Totally in a bind as to what to do about this lonely issue. I’m in a mental space where I would love to go watch the Canada Day parade, walk around the markets and catch the fireworks tonight but doing so alone is not appealing AT ALL.  So like most holidays I will sit home alone sulking grrr.  Wish my neighbor was home because he loved it last year but he is visiting family in Alberta right now.

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