I hate winter :(

Far too much crap going on with me I don’t even know where to start.  I have been able to struggle through without meds even though we made a back-up plan for me to start Abilify again any time I want. This really should have been a winter of improvement for me since I have been doing OK. Some shit always happens to trip up any upward improvement ACK!

About a mth ago I get notification that I am up for a review of my PPMB status ( this is one level of assistance under disability) . Now given I really have not improved in any meaningful way I was slightly stressed about this because I had to have my Shrink fill out the medical forms for the 1st time. For the last 5 years my GP has done it. Once the papers were done and gone my anxiety lightened some and I was not too concerned about hearing back. I was mostly concerned about process and instructions and what my shrink may write on there. After all…. I can not live without that assistance and medical.  Most certainly I am unable to support myself now and have been on assistance last 5 years.  I have a REALLY hard time with forms.

I got part way through this mth relatively stable when I was given no notice by the people whose dog lives with me part time that they were laid off so that little bit I was allowed to earn in addition to my assistance is gone for now.  On the 14th I got a letter ~I HATE LETTERS OR ANYTHING THAT LOOKS GOV OFFICIAL~ it was the reply back about my assistance.  They cut me off stating that since my Shrink never listed any “Restrictions”  ( he missed the entire section) that I must magically now be fully employable. GAWD.  Contained was a pamphlet on how to get a “reconsideration”  and blah blah blah.

I call right away on Dec 14 to get this straightened out.  ( 1 hour and 45 min I am on the phone before I am connected to a person) Quite obviously a call to my Shrink for his info in the “restrictions” section can get this figured no? …NO they state that I am responsible for getting the info TO THEM and not the other way around. NO he can not call them either. The only way is for me to request a reconsideration PACKAGE and resubmit the info complete with battling for my rights with proof and blah blah blah. I also have 20 days. Merry fucking Christmas. 😦 I’m a fucking weakling in this department. I shut off. Sigh.  I request the “package” which I am supposed to be called about to pick up. I have no call-in line during the day hours so we arrange for me to call back in a couple days for instructions for pick up. OK. FML how am I going to go in THERE to pick up. Bloody hell.

My brain is a zillion ways and I spent the rest of the day / all night and part of the next in bed.  I developed an involuntary muscle twitch in my arm ( TOTALLY NEW) never happened before from stress.  Late on the 15th I realized a GOV phn # had called my pay/talk phone a couple times which had to be the assistance people. I called them again to a 1+hrs wait and was told they MAILED the package. I was livid since we had already made arrangements…. it was over 2 weeks date on their letter to time I got it ( should be 2 days mail) I only have 20 days to file and they send it at the time of year for it to be WAY LATE.  I really never wanted to go in the office but the anxiety of waiting and trying to arrange Doctors / proof and all the rest is over the top for me.

I spent Wed hiding in bed with anxiety working up knowing I had to go out and do some things on Thursday. Thursday I never ate in morning knowing I would be sick before leaving home which I was. I was able to get it together and out of the house. While I was out though I had the worst stress diarrhea ever at the grocery store (AND HAD TO USE A PUBLIC WASHROOM AHHHH FUCK)  and ended up having to just come straight back home. 😦

Where is my magic vanishing wand? I did manage to find the contact #’s for an advocates office in town ( which I have done and was too weak to contact at least 2o x in last couple years) MAYBE this week I can be brave and call them to help me.